Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
