I cannot find my penis.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
