just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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