I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
