That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize