I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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