He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
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