Only a mothe r could love this liver
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
