The maid of honor just puked.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
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I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
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I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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