Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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