Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
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He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
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Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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