just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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