In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
