the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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