I think my vagina is haunted
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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