just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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