What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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