im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
