Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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