How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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