You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
pop tarts are not kleenex
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
