woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
There's always time for handjobs
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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