Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
