ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Randomize
