wrigley field is MILF paradise
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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