You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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