Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
