a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
