He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
