in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
