Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
