You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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