I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
