My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
