He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
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sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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