Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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