time to smoke my breakfast
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
