guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
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Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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