i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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