it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
