if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
