Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
