i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
