I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
