Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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