Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
