Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
