so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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