They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
