Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm passing your future prison.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
