Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
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