i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
