Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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