am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
