i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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