Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
